Living Expensively.

It’s the car; it’s the watch; it’s the house!

It’s the thickness of your wallet. It’s the size of your bank account. It’s the shoes you wear, the food you eat, the cigar you smoke – you name it – or at least that was the way the story was told.

I find it rather odd – as city life progresses further, She Who Takes It All is convenience, availability and instantaneous. Observably, as one continues growing up in the city, to succumb to high-pressures, capitalistic expectations and social standards is a norm. Which brings me to a thought that I’ve been toying with for some time – The Religion Of Escapism.

It’s not an actual religion – but it might as well be. With a great number of followers (and counting), extensive ways to practice manners of reverence (as long as it helps you run away from something, it counts) and it being socially acceptable, a better question to ponder on is why is it not yet a religion?

Which is rather odd, when you think about it. Every religion has a common Greater Good it’s followers can aspire to be, a common Father Figure to seek for guidance, and a common law that revers good from bad.

Don’t kill, don’t steal, do good. Keep it up and you’ll go to Heaven. Break these rules and you’d burn in Hell. Easy.

But it seems that, Escapism do actually fulfill all these criteria – A greater good: a temporary haven from pain. A Father Figure: corporate entities. A Common Law: do it whenever you have free time.

Such is that, it even has a smorgasbord of faces that it takes on, but it would also be defiantly ignorant of me to categorize them all and slap the label “addiction” on, because how can one include even small instances of escapism – social smokers, for instance?

The line muddles, but observably, escapism comes from a place where ancient biology meets modern availability. I’m not gonna get out of my way to sound smart or whatever, but it seems that every roads that leads back to escapism carries in it the seed that makes it possible; Feel Good Now.

Regardless of whatever it is, it seems that the core of escapism has 2 folds; the first being to be in the state of suffer, and the second to arrive at the state of bliss.

Which intrigues me, like, we’re coded to run away from suffering. Which is also very interesting that, because He whom conquers the devil within enjoy peace. So on one hand we have temporary safe havens from pain, and on the other we have peace, but to do so you must earn it.

Which Comes Back To What Was Said…..

In a world of endless convenience, why take the hard road? Why at all put one’s self thru more pain and angst and suffering when hey, a can of beer is only 5 bucks and hey, he’s making enough for one can of beer every week; what can one can of beer do?

But this is what really intrigues me;

The Mother of Escapism is Bliss. We run away to experience bliss – however temporary, however frequently we must. Then dare I query: Were we made to enjoy bliss? It sounds like a damned obvious answer, but if we were then why aren’t more of us more blissful and at peace with ourselves?

Why must we run all the time? Why can’t we look at ourselves in the mirror? Why were we taught drown out our senses?

Could it be ignorance? Very plausible – because there are so many religions that preach abstinence – yet we choose obstinacy. What about arrogance? Have we falsely equated wealth and influence to be depth and meaning? Have we collectively falsely find meaning in the temporariness things?

It seems so surreal, but the answer do point that way:

The answer to this is to fall into escapism so far in that You (capital Y because you as in you reading now, matter) and Bliss are one; For You in her grace, and Her in your Presence. It is to read the realm of your shadow side and familiarize yourself with your own terrain well enough to keep your vices on a leash, and use them only whenever necessary. It is to live a lavish life – free from the attachments. It is to live in the grace of your light, the warmth of your love, the depth of your presence and the greatness within.

To conclude with the title, it seems that bliss, like escapism, takes many form. But, unlike escapism, True Bliss (at least observably) requires one to know himself or herself well enough.

To live expensively, one is to live in moments that Escapism offers as frequently as possible.

To live freely, one is to live deep in the realm of Bliss.

To live lavishly, one must be free from himself.

Human Instinct.

“The Natural State Thought Experiment,”

“What are people like if you put them in a context in which civilization is stripped away, leaving them to behave in their natural state?” was the question posed by Dacher Keltner in his book The Power Paradox. In chapter 2 (Power is given, not grabbed), he opened it with the reference to the classic Lord of the Flies. I’ve not read the book but hearing and reading summaries, it seems to me that the book is a good sandbox of the natural state thought experiment. I would so get my grubby hands on Lord of the flies and read it,but it seems more enticing to understand the portrayal of human nature given the lack thereof of order in chaos.

I’ve always wondered how people would act in the absence of any order and if who do we become when the chaos and havoc rushes into the vacancy left behind by chaos. What would happen to the financial system? Would the collective trust in paper currency tank? What would happen to our collective morality? Would traditions be forgotten as quick as order was lost? Where do we draw the line of good and bad? Would personal survival be a bigger motivator to committing what we could consider unjust acts now?

From a bigger standpoint, Dacher first argues that power is given and not grabbed, which was to clarify what is the general understanding of what power is now; the general perception of power is from the Machiavellian point of view, where fear, anger tactics, undermining and harshness is understood as power. In this view, the saying goes “it is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both,” The author talks about how power is given and not grabbed in social contexts, where if one aspiring to be a leader should be empathetic, generous, empower those around him and cares for his reputation, because if power was given, then this also seem to be volume-game, where the more is indeed the merrier. And one loses power when his intention shifts from being a community-centric to an individualist-based goal, that is when he loses power.

Okay, cool, I get it. What got you here will keep you here, got it. But I ask, how can one circumvent around the fact that power corrupts? I’m not going to say “oh but hey, you have to look at it contextually,” because, if we were to observe history across time and space, a reoccurring theme of abuse of power crops whenever power is first gained, and then we’d see that if it isn’t an external force that kills an empire (war, drought, diseases) then chances are that the empire kills itself. How did that happen?

I wonder about the susceptibility of power can be affected based on mental state. But see, even then it doesn’t really make sense, because why would we accommodate power to those that do not have the community’s interest at heart? I guess the question I’m trying to get at here is if power corrupts a 50 year old as easily as it does a 3 year old. Because, if power was indeed a social-based phenomenon and mammals are natural born social animals, then how susceptible is the subject to corruption from power? And what about it’s severity? Like if we could equate destruction into a measurable metric that can be spanned across the board, then maybe we could measure the destruction rate by corruption led by power. Of course financial metrics are the best and easiest, and maybe we could also look at metrics like turnover rates in industries, but if the argument was that if power was something that every social animal experiences, then I want to know if the destruction rate of it being in toddlers, college kids and working adults are the same.

My guess is that we could equate and measure the destruction rate but it diminishes the severity of the destruction. Is swindling billions of dollars the same as stealing an eraser? No, right? So if that was the case then maybe what we could to is to establish a common marker of sort in each category.

Enough about that.

The second class of thought that I have on power is how do we manage it. So now one gets to power, then how do we ensure that the power moves shortly after community agendas is replaced by individualist agendas? I don’t know it just seem to be a more important topic to think about, and if we were to look at just our political system, it says way more than it should really. Reading The Power Paradox, what I’ve got from it is it gives readers a quick “landmark” of sort to get power; it is a social based phenomenon that feeds itself, where if you commit to greater-good-social-acts, then power is bestowed upon you. But I wonder if an individuals greed outweighs social phenomenons.

Sharpening.

It’s been awhile.

I can’t believe how time moves so fast when one is knee-deep into something. In my case, I’ve been working on my digital marketing “company”, narrowing and harrowing processes and practices that I can handle and that I can have an output. I’ve been away because of 2 reasons; the first being I needed new fresh ideas. I didn’t want to repeatedly churn out content while just switching structures but ultimately said the same thing, and the second was just that I want to have an output that I can see before articulating it, sort of like to count your chicks after they’ve hatched.

What I realized over these 2 weeks is that my life right now is fairly monotonous. Not to say that it’s wrong or that I despise it, it’s just in the process of efficiency, the input and output variables are measurable and predictable, such that the game then was to craft a path, and the game now is to run on the path and to have the path to become a trade line. So day in and day out, the work I put in and the return that I get are predictable.

But what I’ve experienced in my observation for the past 2 weeks was that life will happen to you when you are ready. I don’t have a solid explanation as to how do we predict it or how do we measure it or how does one even identify opportunities, but it just happens. So part of working is of course putting in the work and that whole lot, and a sliver of it is also luck. I’m not the biggest fan nor the biggest advocate for luck but I have to admit, sometimes luck does go a long way.

It’s just that I’m seeing myself saying yes and no to certain opportunities that arises, which feels natural. The hitch is this; why does it feel natural? Why does it feel natural to say no to opportunities? It sounds absurd and heck maybe it is, but whatever paths you’re on demands blood; it demands sacrifices, and they come in the form of walking over and passing up certain opportunities.

It’s hard to see when I was first starting out, and I would’ve wholeheartedly agree to it theoretically, I just needed it to be true to me, for what is a life worth living if life was just lived in the confines of all that is known, and to go no further than dipping one’s toes into the waters of the un-experimented? How does one know if it held true, if he was to never take the time and the effort to explore and seek with curiosity at the helm?

But testing it on myself (because who is a better test subject than myself?), I’ve discovered that a contradict lies within me, which is such an interesting contradict; for I never want to conform to the standards set by others, and yet I am confined by me. This struck to me one day when I was just having my morning walk and I was thinking to myself about confines and how by confining and having ultra-clear boundary, it has helped me to focus and draw a more impactful derivative from my inputs. It’s mad.

Eyes of the Curious; Soul of the Child; Breath of the Champ.

You know, maybe I hadn’t been exactly true to myself. I kept on saying,”on my journey,” when it’s more so of an experiment upon another experiment yet upon another. Like, my Twitter feed says, “Wake up. Push Up. Cold Shower. No Fap. Win.” And I’ve always thought, “But is it though? Is that all it really takes? And would the momentum directing inwards and a momentum directing outwards affect one’s result? How about lagging indicators; what if this whole change on lifestyle was instead a lagging indicator of major changes on the inside? Would any changes from the outside have any sustainable changes to the inside? And if not, why try?”

So to correct myself, I guess in a narrowed perspective, no doubt it is a journey; one step after another, but on a broaden scale, it is more so of an experiment; for every issue is just a technical challenge.

It sounds boring, I know, but I promise you this: It is anything but boring.

A Dash Of That.

A pinch of this, a dash of that, and a twinkle bit of this…

Beep, beep , beep. The alarm was off. It was 6.30 A.M. “No, go back to sleep, we’re having an amazing dream,” his mind said. “Get back into bed, it’s 6 A.M, it’s too early,” He crawled into bed, and as early as 6 A.M. in the morning, he was already negotiating with himself. “No compromise, because no deal is better than a bad deal,” the words chimed in his head. Okay, no compromise, and I really don’t wanna wake up so early, he told his mind. “Yeah, exactly, so why wake up so early, right? I mean it’s just the market, so what’s the big deal, am I right?” his mind responded. “Yeah, it is just a market, so why wake up early at all? But hey, what’s the worth of going against your own standards? Is that a good thing to do, especially with things slowly falling into place? Sounds like a good idea to sabotage this?” This stand-off took place on the sheets, in a record of 5 minuted.

Yeap, I was up and running at 6.35 A.M. Brush my teeth, wash my face, the usual stuff, you know. It was just another casual Friday – market, breakfast, work, lunch, work, and then workout. What’s so hard about that, right? I mean the plan’s right there, all I’ve gotta do is follow, right?

Well, yeah, see sometimes, sometimes one’s gotta break it to make it, you know? Did I follow that?

No.

Did I enjoy breaking the rules?

Well, sorta no at first, but now, I’m kinda liking it.

But while it is fun, I’ve to let the kid in me run out and play and wreck things every now and then, and not to keep him trapped in the back of the room and disregard him and grow up and ultimately forget about him. It seems like a great plan to grow up fast and just leave him behind but I wonder, how long would I last before I rasp on the door that I locked on him?

I don’t know, it just seems like while growing old is out of my control, growing up is. So for all of it’s worth, I am growing old and up, but I must never forget the child in me.

Burn With The Fires Of Hell.

Let it consume your soul.

The thing about anger is that it is a feeling that demands to be heard and felt, in on itself. But the thing about anger also is that it is rarely a productive emotion, unlike joy or feeling centered or any of that; anger is an emotion that destroys. Anger inhibits one’s body, and burns it with so much of rage that his face turns red and he clenches his jaws and his eyes widen and his heart races and his mind clouded. That what anger does.

But anger, while it being an unproductive emotion for the most part, could sometimes be the savior emotion that one needs. It is because of anger that one does not sit idle, and it is because of anger that one takes his stand, and it is because of anger that one takes action. Regardless if there is a prim and proper plan, anger gets your gears running, and it keeps you running. It is a dangerous emotion, only because in itself it has power. Look at riots and demonstrations, that’s what anger looks like on a collective level.

It seems that anger has 2 levels; a yellow flame and a blue flame. The yellow-flamed anger is the short, quick-burst and loud. It appears when someone cuts you off on the road or when someone yells at you. It’s that feeling when you just start to feel yourself starting to boil and just want to take one damn good hook onto his jaw, that’s the yellow-flamed anger for you. Observably, it’s made in such a way that it’s a survival mechanism; while there is the flight option, yellow-flamed anger is for the fight option.

But the blue-flamed anger, that’s what I’m interested in. In all of it’s heat, it’s cold, straight and deadly. It burns a deep hue of cobalt, and there is no smoke that signals adversaries that something is coming. That’s what makes the blue-flame infamous; it’s deadly potency to detonate at any moment in all of it’s silenced coming. The thing about the blue-flamed anger is that, because in all of it’s silence and potency, it’s easy to identify one’s self with it. There’s nothing wrong with it, it’s just that when you get to where you want to go while riding on the vessel of anger, the joy of achieving is under-toned.

When it comes to choosing them, I almost always choose blue flame, only because of the level of power and control that it gives me over my emotional state whenever I start to feel weak and weary, the blue-flame, in all of it’s numbing heat; I become one with it. I let the fire consume and own me for just a moment, just enough to get me over the wall and get going .Often times I use this whenever I work out, and there is this afterburner effect that carries itself over to working, where the flames now becomes a more lukewarm and welcoming warmth.

I’m writing this today because I let it consume me earlier, and in all of the chaotic mess that was rumbling in me, I still got the workout in. I’m still on track, and although I had a moment of a deep sense of injustice that I felt which made me feel weak, it got me going and it kept me going.

I hope that you won’t ever turn your anger away when all it’s trying to do is tilt the lever of balance of justice in your favour. I hope that, in all of the journeys that you will venture on and all of the journeys that you will venture on, I hope that the animalistic anger that is bred in you, you’d find a way to harness it’s strength, use it’s intensity and sow the seeds you’ve scattered.

Whatever You Want It To Be.

Reality is in your hands.

I often think that the most powerful thing anyone can have is the ability to alter reality. More specifically, your reality. It is a superpower that can empower anyone to take it to the next level and to break out of his shell, regardless of the context. It’s kinda like a deploy when necessary, and when one figures that if necessary was all the time in any and every given context, it then becomes deploy whenever.

But the thing about it is that, it seems to be portrayed as a superpower that can only be accessed with a certain key; a drug, a hit, a keyword, something. I don’t know if this is something that we taught ourselves or if this was portrayed on the big screens or if put parents taught us, but look around; the numbers never lie. I don’t know about you, but those around me at least, seem to wish for an alternate reality that is just a stone’s throw away, where it is just there but oh well I can’t reach it, so it’s just as it is; always a dream away, always just a wish and a whisper away.

I’ve been pondering, observing in both myself and those around me to see if this whole “reality can be what I want it to be,” action is just something that you need the Infinity Gauntlet to do or if it could be deployed right here right now. I mean, one takes years and an invasion of Earth, so what about the other? What about having that reality stone in your back pocket, like an ace up your sleeves, to use it to your advantage all the time, what about having something this immediate and this effective? Does it even exists to begin with?

Observably, I cannot exactly say if it exist just yet, although I’ll make my guess and say yeah, it does exists. It can be achieved from external triggers (weed, LSD, booze, babes, you name it) but on a long term scale, it just doesn’t seem to be a sustainable effort. What I can say is the absence thereof. Instead of me talking about the existence of it, I want to talk about the absence of the reality stone in your back pocket and what it does to you.

A few weeks back, I had this small meeting of sort. I don’t really understand the gist, purpose or reason of existence of it, but I met familiar faces in there. Anyway, one of them was a creatives, and on the point of pricing, he said ” Us creatives gets bad pay, nobody wants to pay creatives a lot,” Okay, sure, makes sense, doesn’t it? Why would you pay someone to smack and slash color on a blank canvas when you can have a pack of dogs scamper across the canvas with painted paws? Why pay someone to do that at all? I get it. I see you.

Recently he got in touch and asked me to price my web developing services, and when I mentioned a price, he said “woah man that’s crazy,” I was initially super mad about it and I didn’t really know why, and I still don’t, but I heard it, he said it’s too expensive. But hey, am I not a creatives myself? That was when it hit me. “Us creatives gets bad pay, nobody wants to pay creatives a lot,” So regardless of value creation, regardless of work input and all that, the reality (not mine at least) was that creatives gets bad pay. When an objective reality meets a subjective reality, the latter often wins. So in this case, instead of raising creatives in the same field, it seemed to be a better idea to pull one down to fit that reality.

Have your standard.

When that thought hit me, all that anger just dissipated. I just saw a disparate difference between us; one that saw it as a dreading job to scamper and eat whatever you’re given, and one that saw it as a smorgasbord. I was amazed. I was impressed! What a shift! Of course, I’m not denying that creatives aren’t really getting the juiciest part of the meat, but my question is that, now equipped with this knowledge, what is one going to do with is? I choose to not back down and to keep going, and I’ve witnessed one that just goes “bah it’s just the world, it’s just Malaysia man,” But even so, if that was in fact a fact, how is it that I’m not feeling demotivated, but I feel empowered? I don’t know, I know it just sounds like me rambling my ass off.

Essentially, I do have a piece of that reality stone in my back pocket for myself. It has been working quite the wonders for me so far, keeping me going and it helps so much more to have someone by me to share her reality stone with me every now and then. it is achievable. It needs not external triggers but instead an internal eye to see to fruition, the evolution of an ordinary stone to a reality stone.

Supports.

Better 0 than negative.

You know how it’s always better to be around birds of same feathers as yours if you want to go far? if you’re planning to break out of a bubble or a shell or a habit or anything, it’s a strategic ploy to surround yourself with like-minded and similar-goal people, for then momentum can be generated, you can stay in the game longer and more prominent result have higher chances to fruition.

But sometimes, thing don’t go your way. There’s a million and one reason as to why things don’t work out, and usually there are just 3 prime suspects; them, life, and you. In order to cut through the fluff and get to the crust, one has to learn to take accountability and a certain amount of control in one’s life. This could manifest in manners such as emotional control, deepened knowledge or maybe even physical outlooks.

But what’s the use of breaking out when you’re going to fall right back in 3 days later? What is the use of taking a step in front and 2 steps back? It’s hard, and it’s not an easy game to keep that willpower, discipline and strength to keep going. Things just wears you down, you know? And sometimes, it’s just nice and refreshing to know that there’s someone there for you, and that that someone supports you. Being in your own journey, it’s lonely, for sure. You’re on this uphill climb all on your own and people just want to take things out of context to flash and show their experience, knowledge and street smarts, but what is the use of all those if they prove useless to help you? You can say “Hey, I need help with losing weight,” and I can say “Pssh, lift heavy, eat clean, drink water!” but then again, yes is nothing without how. So usually when you get into the how, that’s when you’re very subtly calling their bluff.

Having this person by me that inspires me in small but meaningful manners by just being herself, it’s just refreshing. It sets my sight clear on my goals and to not be distracted by naysayers and those that weigh me down, you know? Like she told me, “I journal everyday,” and I’m thinking to myself well why aren’t I writing? She probably do not know as well but she literally inspired me to bring my training time to an hour earlier, simply by just showing me that it’s possible. She literally cut through all my bullshit that I knew (maybe she knew too) by just showing me it’s possible.

I’m so used to walking alone, that to walk with someone by me, it feels odd, but I am not complaining. I’m taking a liking to it, and I’m teaching myself that it is okay, after all.

The Biggest Applause.

Clap, for no one else will.

I can’t quite pin exactly what I would consider it to be a gift or a skill. Basic communication, that’s a gift, no doubt, because we’re literally wired to communicate, as we are communal and social animal. So if that’s the case, then I guess I can pin what I would consider a gift and what’s a skill; a gift is something you’re born with and a skill is what you do with that gift.

Communication is a gift, so the ability to dissect and add and subtract elements that makes up communication is a skill. Moving is a gift, so moving faster or slower is a skill. Growing is a gift, so growing in a direction of your choice, that’s a skill. Curiosity is a gift, so having the ability to situate your curiosity and interest around each other, that is a skill. This occurred to me when I was in a dimmed place in my head, where I empathized with those around me and kinda saw myself from their shoes, and I do feel like I’m being looked down upon, maybe even disrespected, just because of the things that I am doing and those that I aren’t. It suddenly occurred to me that my ability to speak (and sell even, maybe) was always “something you’ve always had,” but me being in my shoes, that don’t come easy. Speaking is a skill that is good on it’s own, but a violin sings better in an orchestra than on it’s own accord. Speaking sounds good when all the other gears are running perfectly.

I once told my partner, “The magic you seek is in the how, not the what,” and the more and more I am dedicating myself onto this road, I’m learning again and again of how I could optimize my body to work in tune with my mind while my emotions are kept in check, and my spirituality sits at rest in the haven. There was once when I dreaded Mondays, but now I seem to dread the weekend more than I do the weekdays. Of course, when it comes to spending time, weekend is the best time to spend time with loved ones, but hey we live in a capitalistic world, and the options that we have are capitalism, communism (that didn’t go too well), or live free. Option 3 is a possible option, but it either takes one all the power or all the craze to pull off.

In all the chaos that I am harvesting and harnessing, I look like a mad man making irrational decisions, but at the end of the day, only you know what you’ve done. Only you know how much skin you’ve put in the game, only you know how you could go about with this. So for that, for all the days that you’re helping yourself, clap. Clap for yourself. Clap for yourself when you’re in the dark for surviving, and clap for yourself when you’re in the light because you survived.

I feel like I’ve been repeating myself since the previous posts, I don’t know, but I’m starting to see an emerging pattern that the focus is turning inward.

And of course the posts have been a lot shorter too. I know, that’s because I don’t have much solid say to go in too deep just yet, but I will once I’ve got some more of it figured out, I promise.

I’ll keep it coming 🙂

Come Upon.

Deepest, darkest sides.

You know how I say “have tea with your demons,”? I’ve been having tea, coffee, cakes, brunches and dinners with them so often that I could name each one of them, their traits that follows and what they’re good at. It’s almost like, the Hell that I once feared is now a second home; the fires that burnt skin now burnt away rot and seared away weakness, and the flames that once scorched me, now it’s warmth invites me. It does not feel like Hell anymore, it feels more natural. Maybe it wasn’t really exactly Hell to begin with, it was more so of a darkness that I was told and taught to fear, a darkness whose crown sat pretty on scalps and craniums of those in power. It is odd; the more I discover, the less fearful I become, and the more I embrace the darkness that gives meaning to the light, and the light that give darkness its demeanor.

But with adventure inward, the limit of what is Hell and what is not is redrawn; the demons I once feared becomes allies, the devils I once hated becomes neighbors, the evil I once locked away made me whole. But it is exactly because I am resetting the limit of Hell every time, the undiscovered demons are stronger, more potent, and whose powers are mightier, such that the body becomes a vessel and the driver, one second a careful driver and the second a reckless one.

I am all for optimizing, in a sense that I am all for both effectiveness and efficiency, but I do have a hold-back force and that is both my knowledge depth and my given situation that allows me disposable resources. I am all for achieving the same results and same outcome all the time, like that could almost be a dream of mine, but I’m not too sure if it’s a healthy obsession to obsess over results and effort that one is willing to burn bridges to feel its warmth, I can’t tell.

In all of science, logic, rationale and strategic schemes, one can not deny the existence of dumb luck in the equation. One can not discount the fact that sometimes dumb luck is just being at the right place at the right time. Today, dumb luck sat me down with an inner magnitude whose name I have never heard.

Workout today was draggy and it kinda felt half-assed at first, until I let me go. In all of the pain and struggle, I let logic and rationale go, and in that backward falling motion, I pulled off a set of workout that I struggled with just yesterday. I let me go and I found a newer me; a version of me that spoke no word, who had no name, whose focus was solely on executing. Time was not felt and pain was transcended; I lost my name and I achieved a result I wanted. What is this power in me? Who is this? Does he have a name?

I haven’t much more really to say, but I’m just in awe and shock of this new part of me.

Back-To-Back.

Heads up, chin high; Hands down, bent back.

The one thing I’m learning over and over again on this journey of starting my own business is that I’m not ready to start it just yet, and I’m saying this from a tactical standpoint and not a whiny whimsy soy-boy position. Like, it’s quite a journey for me to first learn and uncover parts and parcels, the nitty and the gritty of the business. Next, I learned to tie it together. Speed was the essence here, but in all of the haste, the delivery had to be perfect; a conductor on a stage, conducting a musical piece – everything must be absolutely on point.

Of course on the surface it’s all of the technicalities; how do you do what, but under the bridge lies the bigger troll; a troll that I was not warned or told about, a troll whose name never left the clasps of lips, whose presence were not foraged by seeing eyes. Oh no, I was not warned of this troll. Fact, I was not warned of these trolls.

These trolls were just parts and things that I’ve always turned a blind eye over, and it was just a matter of time on this journey that they surface. I knew something would surface, but I was just unsure what it could be. And silly me too, I had an image of a troll being hunky and bulky, tusk and green scaly skin, loin-clothed and carrying a club. When these new trolls (or ones I hadn’t expected) came to me, I was caught so off-guard. That set my progress back. That messed with my pace. That shook my world inside.

But in all of the chaos, that was also where I learned to trust me. And it’s so odd, again, because how did I teach myself to not rely on me? Was it because things came easy? Was it because things came too easy and I was always let off the hook, and that when it was finally revealed, it became overwhelming for me?

Earlier today I went back and studied the technicals and it just made me feel so stupid. I felt like an absurd idiot and heck, who am I to even try? Why try at all, I’m not made for this, I thought to myself. And this is also where I learned that while picking your partner is important, growing with one beats picking any day. She said, “Hey, that word you just said does not exist in out vocabulary, okay? You can do this. Do you wanna rest?” I know it seems small and silly but it helped me so much in pivoting out of that cycle before it became vicious. See, this, I was not told about this too. All I was told was “Pick the perfect one,” but I was never taught how to.

I know it seems like I’m speaking in tongues and speaking in metaphors but that’s only because I do not want to be late for my very important date.

I’ll catch up soon, promise!