“Tomorrow has nothing to do with yesterday, and yesterday has nothing to do with tomorrow. Tomorrow would only be as yesterday was, if today was the same pattern,”
“Okay, I’ve got to calm down,” I told myself, hands on my side, ears plugged with the earphones, with a dude saying, “breathe in; deeply, exhale; fully,” while lying on the bed. It’s been going on for a bit now, this new habit of daily night meditations. Something I’ve picked up in November of ’18, and I just wish for it to stick with me for as long as possible. It was hard, although, because I was active. Or, my mind was active, that is. It was everywhere; the future, the past, the could-haves and would-haves, the “I’m sorry,” and the “Please get out of my face,” to the “When I say I don’t wanna talk, it means I don’t wanna talk,”. But I think I have slowly grasped the whole idea and concept of meditating; “It’s not shutting down, it’s waking up,’ says Gelong Thubten. Jesus Christ, that gave me a new perspective altogether. Pair that up with Jay Shetty and the Iceman himself, Wim Hof, and suddenly meditating is not a “want to” anymore but a “have to”. Life since then has been more powerful, I can’t quite say why right just yet.
So yeah, there I was, on the bed at 12.30 A.M, way past my own-set curfew, mind just zooming here and there. I know I am supposed to be conducting my nightly ritual, but how and where do I even begin with it? “Okay, okay, try and recap what you’ve done today,” I told myself. “Tell me everything, from the start of your day, up till 10 o’clock. Go,” And I just lay there and took myself back in time.
I recapped my day:
“At 9 A.M, I woke up, 3 hours pass my initial time. Then, I lay there and waste time by scrolling for memes and lols until 10 A.M. I hit the shower, and it is now 10.30. I broke my fasting rule and ate, and in the same bidding, I also broke my ketosis rule and ate carbos. I then slumped back to being a useless piece of crap until 3 P.M, to which I then peaked in fruitlessness by taking a non-deserved, dimly-though of nap until 4. Then I woke up and….yeah, remained useless until 5.30, to which I then worked out until 6.30, and then ran my dumbass dog. That was until 7, it didn’t last long. Hit the showers and then I was at the dining table by 7.30, ate dinner till 8 and then went for grocery shopping until 9. Folded the clothes and scrolled for more memes until 11. Fruitless day,”
If you skipped it, it’s completely okay. If you don’t agree with some things I did, it’s okay too, I don’t agree with it either so yeah.
But while I was walking down the day’s events, a thought hit me:
“Do you want tomorrow to be the same?”
And I was like, wait what the f-
“Do you want tomorrow to be the same? I can make tomorrow the same as today. I can make tomorrow the same as yesterday,” The thought continued.
It almost snapped my concentration because, I was not expecting a question to arise. But in the very same doing, my curiosity surfaced, and I questioned this thought, “How would you know if tomorrow can be the same as today was, as was yesterday?”
“Simple, you just do you. That’s it,”
Okay, I’ll admit it. This was one of my wtf moments, simply because it raises both my dark and light sides. “You scrolled memes for hours, now that’s called dedication!” And the other part is like, “You scrolled memes for hours. Pathetic,” Do you see why I don’t necessarily trust my thoughts all the time. It’s not even a question at this point of time, it’s a statement.
I had to sit down in my mental world and analyze that statement. “Simple, you just do you. That’s it,” What did the voice mean? I mean, I know it’s telling me something, no shit to that, but like, why is it telling me this? This may be a part deep in me that’s trying to say “DON’T DO IT! CHANGE YOUR COURSE OF ACTION! DON’T DO YOU!” or, subsequently, it may also be saying, “You’re doing just fine, keep it up,”So yeah, most of my confusion stirs from here.
At this point, I read the pattern of today and tried to understand it. It was my old me trying to surface. It was that old, trash-talking, ego-driven, close-minded and unproductive side of me trying to convince me to continue on living on a Shit-Based Lifestyle.
But today, here I am, also given another choice. Do me, or do the otherwise.
I’m going to the gym for a bit.
Not gonna do the old me here.